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Seeking forgiveness 

Dear secret. I know you hate me and I know what you think of me. I know you will never see this, let alone read it even if it some how got to you. You can take this how ever you want to take it but i am going to lay it out, the way I feel about it. I know the things you have said about me, called me all kinds of names and some that are so bad I won’t repeat it on here. I said crappy things as well that i am not proud of. I like to help people. In anyway I can. You took that and twisted it around to make it seem like I was trying to get in with your family. When I came up with the idea that our family’s business sponsor the team, I did it because the business was an action sports related business and we were not doing anything for action sports. I saw the opportunity to sponsor your family’s team as a way to give us the face of action sports. I wanted to start with the family’s team and work my way up to other sports and other teams or individuals. You made it seem like every guy I was friends with, I was hooking up with or trying to hook up with. I confided some of my secrets to someone in our circle and they not only told everyone about them. They didn’t know the whole truth and filled in the gaps on what they thought went down. Not only did they do this but I knew their dark secrets as well and I did not once tell anyone those secrets. This person spread more rumors about me, making things up to take the heat off of them. It was until later that I threatened this person that I would spill and show proof that they finally stopped talking. They told one person and they told another and so and so on. I thought you were my friends. It took one outsider to run their mouths and ruin the friendships we had. I did bad things and I paid for them. I got into a relationship with someone that I didn’t even want a relationship with in the first place. When you found out he had a girlfriend, it got back to us that you said something like “I’m surprised it’s not with shanel” the funny thing is, we were great friends. He was seeing someone, I was seeing someone, he would message me and ask me for advice with his gf and I would tell him. He broke it off with her and we did our thing in spite of what you said. I am thanking god that it lasted a few months. I thank god every day that it didn’t continue longer than that. I thank god to this day for the miracle of NOT being with that person. He is a horrible, evil person that I don’t ever want to be involved with in any way shape or form. I truly have decided to go about my life like that relationship never happened. I said and did terrible things. I would do them in spite of people saying things about me in the circle of friends. I did these things because I was stupid and in my 20’s and thought nothing could hurt me. I had this mindset that I was the toughest chick and nothing could break me. Until something did and because of it, I tried taking my own life. i felt nothing but darkness. I felt like everything was crashing down around me and filling it with darkness. When I tried to take my own life and it didn’t work, I didn’t tell anyone close to me what I tried to do. I didn’t want to hear about the how stupid that was because I already knew. I took it as a sign and a miracle. I decided to post on fb about good churches and I found Rockpointe church. It’s saved me. My past and my mistakes DO NOT define me. I should no longer make payments on something I have already paid in full. You don’t like me, you hate me and you will probably never forgive me but I forgive you just like I have forgiven myself for everything that I have done. Everything that made me bitter and angry day in and day out. I forgave myself. All the mistakes I would wish I could take back and do differently, I can’t. I can only forgive. 

-Shanel 

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